I wish the hot weather would come along sighed the thermometer
"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the
thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of
low degree."
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I say old chap how short your overcoat is
"I say, old chap, how short your overcoat is!" "Oh, that's all right! It'll be long enough before I can afford a new one." ... I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off
"I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off." "Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect it." "How was that?" "Why, he is chairman of the board of public works and he advertised for proposals." ... I see villainy in your face said a judge to a prisoner
"I see villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner. "May it please your honor," said the latter, "that is a personal reflection." ... I sent a dollar last week said the Good thing in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills
"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills." "And you got----" "A printed slip directing me to paste them in a scrap-book." ... I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died
"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?" "Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the greatest show on earth." ... I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping
"I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping." "That can't be. He's very busy these days deciding divorce cases." "Well, isn't that what I said?" ... I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell dinner
"I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell dinner." "Oh, no. He was sailing into the port when I left." ... I want to get a head of cabbage said the man who had been sent to market
"I want to get a head of cabbage," said the man who had been sent to market. "Large or small head?" asked the grocer. "Oh, about 7 1-4," said the man, absent-mindedly. ... I was at a banquet last night
"I was at a banquet last night. I just had a lovely time. We had everything a man could wish for." "Did you have any pale ale?" "No; we didn't have the pail." ... I was at the track to-day Percy and there was a horse down there with the itch
"I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down there with the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched him." ... I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee
I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the rest of us sit down. I replied, solemnly, that "I was always told to stand for the weak." ... I will not sit that way
"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!" "Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossible for me to make a good negative of you unless you quit being s... I wish the hot weather would come along sighed the thermometer
"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of low degree." ... I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for
MILLIE--"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for?" WILLIE--"Why, they're for the pain to come out through, of course!" ... I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded
"I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded?" "I guess it is because they're naturally light-headed." ... I wouldn't stand for that if I were you
"I wouldn't stand for that if I were you. Why don't you call him a liar?" "That's just what I'll do. Where, where is your telephone?" ... I'd like to see your mistress
"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?" "Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years." ... I'll admit said Mrs
"I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't know"---- "That's no lie," interrupted her husband. "But," continued the alleged better half of the combination, "that man doesn't live who can tell me what they are." ... I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live
"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!" "Refused again?" "No; accepted." ... I'll pass the butter said he while trying to pass the browsing goat
"I'll pass the butter," said he, while trying to pass the browsing goat. "I'll butt the passer," said the goat, as he helped him over the fence. ... I'm nearly starved
"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the New York Central." "But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?" "Nope! It was a 'fast' train." ... I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the society of the great
"I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the society of the great." "You're not?" "No; they are surrounded at home by any number of big-wigs." ... I'm the champion long distance cornet player
I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks. Did you win? No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever." ... I'm very much surprised quoth Harry That Jane a gambler should marry
"I'm very much surprised," quoth Harry, "That Jane a gambler should marry." "I'm not at all," her sister says, "You know he has such winning ways!" ...