Yes I have seen the day when Mr
"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not
have a pair of shoes to cover his feet."
"And when was that, pray?"
"At the time he was bathing."
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Why the bare idea
"Why, the bare idea!" "Of what, dear?" "Telling the naked truth!" ... Widowhood makes a woman unselfish
"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for Number Two." ... WIFE--Got a dollar
WIFE--"Got a dollar?" HUSBAND--"Where's the last dollar I gave you?" "Gone." "I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could." "I did." "Doesn't look like it." "Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen." ... WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green my darling
WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my darling? HUSBAND--No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it. "For what reason?" "Because I do not wish any grave-robber to dig up your body." "How will the planting of violets upon my ... Will the coming man use both arms
"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if he can trust the girl to handle the reins." ... With cards and dice and dress and friends My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends And thus make both ends meet
With cards and dice, and dress and friends, My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends, And thus make both ends meet. ... Women my boy said a parent to his son are a delusion and a snare
"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young man hunted up his roller-skates and went out to be snare... Would you said the reporter who gets novel interviews tell me what book helped you most in life
"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell me what book helped you most in life?" After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book." ... YANKEE--I say Britisher can you spell horse
YANKEE--"I say, Britisher, can you spell horse?" ENGLISHMAN--"'Orse? Why, certainly. It honly takes a haitch and a ho and a har and a hess and a he to spell 'orse." ... YEAST--Did you ever try to dye eggs
YEAST--Did you ever try to dye eggs? CRIMSONBEAK--No, I never did; but I've tried 'em after they were dead. ... Yes dear said the petted young wife examining her Christmas gift these diamond earrings are pretty but the stones are awfully small
"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are awfully small." "Of course, my dear," replied the diplomat husband, "but if they were any larger they'd be all out of ... Yes he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's trying hard not to be proud
"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's trying hard not to be proud?" "Why shouldn't he be proud?" "Well, pride goes before a fall, you know." ... Yes I have seen the day when Mr
"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet." "And when was that, pray?" "At the time he was bathing." ... Yes indeed he's the homeliest man in public life to-day
"Yes, indeed, he's the homeliest man in public life to-day. Haven't you ever seen him?" "No, but I've seen caricatures of him." "Oh, they flatter him. You should see him." ... Yes said a landlord sadly whose tenant had made a moonlight flitting appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are still more so
"Yes" said a landlord, sadly, whose tenant had made a moonlight "flitting," "appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are still more so." ... Yes the team is quite a good one Mr
"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks." "Oh, indeed; and may I inquire what they are?" "The lines." ... Yes there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia
"Yes, there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia." "And what part is that?" "The hole in the middle!" ... You are absolutely certain about your statement
"You are absolutely certain about your statement?" asked the lawyer. "Absolutely certain," assented the witness. "You swear that this is true?" "I do." "Would you bet on it?" "Er--well--yes, if I got the right odds." ... You are making yourself rather officious in this crowd said a burly policeman to a notorious pickpocket
"You are making yourself rather officious in this crowd," said a burly policeman to a notorious pickpocket. "I am only trying to dis-purse them," said the thief. ... You have a bad cold he said
"You have a bad cold," he said. "I have," she replied huskily. "I am so hoarse that if you attempted to kiss me I couldn't even scream." ... You have been losing flesh lately haven't you
"You have been losing flesh lately, haven't you?" "Yes, I've been shaving myself." ... You haven't a cent and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan
"You haven't a cent, and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan. Don't you expect her father to kick you out?" "Oh, no I intend to go before the footlights." ... You know Fatty Schultz the butcher
"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he weighs?" "I don't know, what does he weigh?" "Meat." ... You never bought a gold brick did you
"You never bought a gold brick, did you?" asked the admiring friend. "Not exactly," answered Mr. Cumrox. "But I once came mighty near having a French count for a son-in-law." ...