Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St
Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day.
PAT--"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the door."
MIKE--"And if I get up first I'll rub it out!"
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Oh live and let live my man
"Oh, live and let live, my man." "Yes, I'd look well, wouldn't I? I'm a butcher." ... Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad
Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad! Oh, the gladness of her gladness when she's glad! But the sadness of her sadness, And the gladness of her gladness, Are nothing to her madness when she's mad! ... Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop
"Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop." "Must have been a very heavy one." "About four hundred tons." "Horrible!" "You see he was standing under the trestle, and a freight train ran off the track and dropped on him." "But how... OLD LADY (at a ball game)--Why do they call that a fowl
OLD LADY (at a ball game)--"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't see no feathers." O'RILEY--"No ma'am. It's a picked nine." ... One day in the dining-car the boy across the aisle got to laughing so he couldn't stop
"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy needs a spanking.' She said, 'well, I don't believe in spanking a boy on a full stomach.' I said, 'neither do I. Turn him ov... Only a silver watch said the pawnbroker
"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case." "Yes," replied Hard-uppe, "but--er--circumstances alter cases, you know." ... Only tells half
But entre nous, that legend of yore Only tells half; they cried for more! ... Only the highest element in local society was invited to the ball
"Only the highest element in local society was invited to the ball." "Oh, I see! It was a high-ball." ... Our new Congressman has made himself very popular
"Our new Congressman has made himself very popular." "What has he done?" "Introduced a bill declaring it a penal offence for a man to ask for a haircut or shampoo on Saturday afternoon." ... Pa said little Williewho had been reading a treatise on
"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?" "Why--er--a railroad collision, I suppose," ... Pa what branches did you take when you went to school
"Pa, what branches did you take when you went to school?" "I never went to high school, son, but when I attended the little log school-house they used mostly hickory and beech and willow." ... Pa what does Sioux Falls S
"Pa, what does Sioux Falls, S.D., mean?" "Eh? Sioux Falls is the name of a town." "And what's S.D.?" "Swift divorce, of course." ... Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St
Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day. PAT--"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the door." MIKE--"And if I get up first I'll rub it out!" ... Pat said one Catholic friend to another
"Pat," said one Catholic friend to another, "how would you like to be buried in a Protestant graveyard?" "Faith an' I'd die first!" ... PAT--'Twas the divil of a blow the dago gave yer
PAT--"'Twas the divil of a blow the dago gave yer. Yer wuz near Kilt." MIKE--"Begorra, I wish I had died that I moite see the villain hung." ... PAT--Who is being lowered into a well; Sthop will ye Murphy
PAT--Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, Murphy? Oi want to coom up again." MURPHY--Still letting him down, "Phat for?" PAT--"Oi'll Show ye. Af ye don't sthop lettin' me doon, Oi'll cut the rope." ... Paw can an honest man play poker
"Paw, can an honest man play poker?" "Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything." ... Permit me then to die at your feet
"Permit me, then, to die at your feet!" he cried desperately. She shivered. "I see no objection to that," she answered. "All papa said was that you mustn't hang around here." ... PERSONAL--'A young woman to whom black is particularly becoming would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object widowhood
PERSONAL--"'A young woman, to whom black is particularly becoming, would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object, widowhood.'" ... PETERS--Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular song
PETERS--"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular song?" WINKLE--"Not I." PETERS--"Heavens! How can you stand it?" WINKLE-"I wrote the song." ... PLAYWRIGHT--There is a great climax in the last act
PLAYWRIGHT--"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one; then----" MANAGER CONN--"Be more explicit. Which one did the clock strike?" ... Poor Lot's wife turned to salt alas
Poor Lot's wife turned to salt, alas! Her fate was most unkind. No doubt she only wished to see How hung her skirt behind. ... Pressed for work--cider
Pressed for work--cider. Never out of print--the calico counter. ... RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day sir
RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day, sir. MANAGER--Indeed; What now? CLERK--Man dislocated his neck trying to read our new time table. ...